Friday, February 23, 2007
The Oscars! 2007
As some of you may already know, we here at Stevereads have an uncanny knack for Oscar-predictions that is legendary. Since this is the first time the ceremony has come around in the short, happy life of this site, we thought we'd deviate just a bit from our usual fare long enough to predict Sunday night's winners and losers for all of you. Call it a variation on Stevesees. So without further ado, here's the 2007 version of Stevereads Annual Infallible Oscar Picks!
Best Supporting Actress: Well, since 'who gives a fuck' isn't in the running this year, we're going to pass blithely over the fourteen young women nominated for 'Babel' and pick Cate Blanchett for 'Notes on a Scandal.'
Best Supporting Actor: The Academy must already be feeling a bit of morning-after remorse for ignoring 'Dreamgirls' for Best Picture, and we here at Stevereads predict that this will manifest itself here, with the Oscar going not to the heavily-favored Mark Wahlberg but instead to none other than Eddie Murphy.
Best Actress: Rumors are deafening about a Judi Dench surge-from-behind upset in this category, and one hesitates to call anything a lock-solid certainty (except that half the nation's crtics have been calling half the categories lock-solid certainties for weeks), but nevertheless: Helen Mirren can't possibly lose.
Best Actor: Although it's HUGELY gratifying to see Ryan Gosling get nominated, and although Forest Whitaker would seem to fit the mold that usually wins the category (scenery-chewing bombast masquerading as good acting), we here at Stevereads predict the Oscar will go to Peter O'Toole. Not only was his performance the actual best of those nominated (something our old friend Locke has always maintained is immaterial), but denying him the Oscar would be the equivalent of clubbing a baby harp seal to death on live TV. Whitaker can wait another year - only the most coked-up Vegas bookies would say the same about O'Toole.
Best Director: We predict that Martin Scorsese will continue his Susan Lucci-style losing streak, and that instead of HIS stupid, manipulative movie getting him the Oscar, Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu's stupid, manipulative movie 'Babel' will win HIM the Oscar.
Best Picture: Well, it all comes down to this, doesn't it? Bloated, stupid 'Babel,' bloated, stupid 'The Departed,' bloated, moving 'Letters from Iwo Jima,' smart, utterly absorbing 'The Queen,' or 'Little Miss Sunshine,' which has GOT to be in here as some sort of fraternity prank.
Leaving out the 'Little Miss Sunshine' aberration, that leaves four big movies, each with a host of handicapping pros and cons. For reasons that defy human understanding, 'Babel' is currently favored to win. This is impossible - surely the Academy is still deeply shamed for having given Best Picture to 'Crash' ... they're not going to turn around and give the award to a movie in every way identical to that one. 'The Departed' was awful, but the Academy might favor it as a sop for ignoring Scorsese for director yet again. 'Letters from Iwo Jima' has Greatest Generation mojo. But in the end, we here at Stevereads have to believe the Academy will go with 'The Queen' ... it's the best-acted, best-written, and best-directed of the movies under considertion. Surely once in a while that's got to count for something.
So, to recap:
Best Supporting Actress: Cate Blanchett
Best Supporting Actor: Eddie Murphy
Best Actress: Helen Mirren
Best Actor: Peter O'Toole
Best Director: Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu
Best Picture: 'The Queen.'
So now you-all know who the winners will be. But still, you should probably watch the awards ceremony anyway: some of the speeches will certainly be worthwhile, and there are always the outlandish dresses to ogle. And you'll be able to impress your friends at whatever Oscar party you attend, since you'll know all the winners beforehand.
All part of the service here at Stevereads.