Saturday, April 26, 2008

On Sci-Fi tonight!

Our very own Brian (he of Moving Picture Trash infamy) must be pleased: the Sci-Fi Channel's movie this evening is directed by none other than Brian's nemesis/salvation Uwe Boll - it's Bloodrayne 2: Deliverance, in which Boll does Old West vampires!

But there's more to Bloodrayne 2: Deliverance than that! Call it a Tale of Two Wretched Tobacco Addicts. Once upon a time, these two good-looking young tobacco addicts starred in the mini-series adaptation of the then-popular kid's book Dinotopia. One of them was straight but a horndog, a kid who would jump on anything with a pulse when the mood was upon him (and it's been upon him night and day roughly since he was 11) - including his co-star. The other was as gay as a day in may. One of these wretched tobacco addicts - the straight one, of course (the deck being stacked, as it were, in his favor) - cared not a fig for how the public perceived him; the other was terrified of being exposed (the Hollywood code for this? if the star in question says he's aware of the gay rumors surrounding him and is "OK" with them).

One of these wretched tobacco addicts went on to star in a thoroughly delightful TV series (one of the true inheritors of Northern Exposure's mantle of intelligent playfulness) that was canceled almost before it could air. The other went on to make millions starring in a TV series so freighted with impossible plot-tricks that P. T. Barnum would've said, "that's a little much, ain't it?" If there's a moral to the story, we here at Stevereads can only assume its this: tobacco addicts are wretched.

And that public taste sucks, of course. But you all knew that.


Beepy said...

What the Eff are you talking about? And I don't mean that like "your opinions are entirely off the mark". I mean "what the Eff are you talking about?" I understand each sentence as it stands on its own. I just don't understand what the Eff you are talking about.

Can someone make Steve's post less obtuse and e-mail it to me. Thank you.

JEaton said...

I too seem to have misplaced my Little Orphan Stevereads decoder ring.

steve said...

Oh for Pete's sake! "Dinotopia"! The mini-series! IMDB it! Follow the clues, people!

brian said...

Boll's 'Postal' is getting decent word of mouth for him (i.e. it's a ridiculous piece of shit but at least it's entertaining).