Monday, January 01, 2007
Steveread's patented loser-equation!
Here at the start of the new year, we here at Stevereads were seized with a rare moment of feeling CURIOSITY about you, our minions. Ordinarily, we collect your praises in a distracted manner, our mind occupied with higher matters - but today we find ourselves wondering about the woof and weave of your lives.
Specifically, just what kind of losers you are. Now ordinarily, this would be a very imprecise affair: 'he's SUCH a loser!' or 'she's so TOTALLY a loser!' ... but not here at Stevereads! We've developed a highly technical formula for determining just how BIG a loser each and every one of you is, and we here present it for your edification - and our own!
No special skills are required other than simple addition and subtraction, so you math-dolts out there need not be frightened. Simply jot down each total that applies to you, and then follow the instructions at the end!
1. You smoke: 10
2. You don't properly dispose of your cigarette butts (leave them burning on the sidewalk, leave them on the sidewalk at all, etc): a further 1.
3. Even THOUGH you smoke, you're constantly complaining that you're always sick, passive-aggressively DARING your listeners to point out the one-to-one connection between the two: a further 1.
4. You think smoking is cool: a further 1.
5. You vote Republican: 8.
6. You have ever voted to make Ralph Nader president: 6.
7. Seriously, you wanted RALPH NADER to have nuclear launch codes: a further 1.
8. You sprinkle foreign phrases into everyday conversation: 5.
9. You continue to do so even after it's been pointed out to you how pretentious this is: a further 1.
10. You have ever put an article of KNITTED CLOTHING on a dog: 3.
11.You keep vermin as pets: 3.
12. You baby-talk to your vermin: a further 1.
13. You have tatoos (only exceptions: a number-tattoo from a Nazi deathcamp, or a 'USMC' tattoo obtained during active service in a war zone): 3.
14. You are racist: 10.
15. You pretend you've read books you've only skimmed: 10.
16. You have ever interrupted two people talking for any reason other than to yell 'The building's on fire': 10.
17. You interrupt conversations every single day: a further 1.
18. You use a walking-aid (cane, walker, stick, etc) without having an infirmity: 5.
19. You play video games: 6.
20. You DEFEND playing video games as somehow not being a total waste of time: a further 1.
21. You have ever equated playing a video game with reading a book: a further 2.
22. You're a wet blanket: 4.
23. In writing, you use 'as' when you mean 'since' or 'because': 3.
24. You prefer 'The Next Generation': 4.
25. You claim to like the Tim Burton 'Batman' movies: 3.
26. You've never seen 'Jaws': 2.
27. You've never seen 'Citizen Kane': 2.
28. You harbor the desire to overthrow the government: 2.
29. You are condescending to waitstaff: 3.
30. You don't help your friends on moving-day: 3.
31. You've never bought Steve a meal: 3.
32. You know no history: 5.
33. You DEFEND not knowing history by calling it boring or irrelevant: a further 1.
34. You got rid of your TV: 4.
35. You manage to slip that fact into at least one conversation a day: a further 2.
36. You're a TV snob (see above for qualification #1; other symptoms available upon request): 4.
37. You're a compulsive next-day 'Lost' recounter: 3.
38. Seriously, we can Youtube it: a further 1.
39. You eat meat: 6.
40. You're a preachy vegetarian: 3.
41. You don't vote: 5.
42. You are humorless: 10.
43. You are lazy: 6.
44. You use 'impact' or 'effort' as verbs: 4.
45. You wear animal fur: 9.
46. You think zoos are fun: 9.
47. You never experience WONDER: 7.
48. You speak only English: 5.
49. You can't take good-natured ribbing: 5.
50. You are below standard height: 4.
51. You are even now cheating at this exam: 3.
52. You are a manatee: 4.
Stop at this point and add up the points you've accumulated so far. This is your L-quotient. Its mathematical maximum is 218 (although if you're anywhere over 200, you shouldn't be spending time taking this test - you should be devising a means of killing yourself as quickly as possible).
We are the souls of charity here at Stevereads, however: we refuse to believe that even you mewling tools have NOTHING working in your favor. We've devised a way for you to at least partially dig yourselves out of the hole your own loserhood has dug. It involves more addition:
1. You give care and shelter to a dog: 10.
2. More than one dog: 1 for each additional dog.
3. You freely express ENTHUSIASM: 6.
4. You squeeze toothpaste from the bottom up: 3.
5. You're of Irish descent: 4.
6. You don't care how your laugh sounds: 4.
7. You are from Iowa: 3.
8. Your bedroom is a bit messy: 3.
9. You can dance: 3.
10. You cover your effing face when you cough or sneeze: 5.
This total is your C-quotient. Subtract it from your L-quotient to arrive at your accurate, scientifically-verifiable state of loserdom! Then, of course, share your no-doubt-embarrassing number with the world!