Monday, January 01, 2007

Steveread's patented loser-equation!

Here at the start of the new year, we here at Stevereads were seized with a rare moment of feeling CURIOSITY about you, our minions. Ordinarily, we collect your praises in a distracted manner, our mind occupied with higher matters - but today we find ourselves wondering about the woof and weave of your lives.

Specifically, just what kind of losers you are. Now ordinarily, this would be a very imprecise affair: 'he's SUCH a loser!' or 'she's so TOTALLY a loser!' ... but not here at Stevereads! We've developed a highly technical formula for determining just how BIG a loser each and every one of you is, and we here present it for your edification - and our own!

No special skills are required other than simple addition and subtraction, so you math-dolts out there need not be frightened. Simply jot down each total that applies to you, and then follow the instructions at the end!


1. You smoke: 10

2. You don't properly dispose of your cigarette butts (leave them burning on the sidewalk, leave them on the sidewalk at all, etc): a further 1.

3. Even THOUGH you smoke, you're constantly complaining that you're always sick, passive-aggressively DARING your listeners to point out the one-to-one connection between the two: a further 1.

4. You think smoking is cool: a further 1.

5. You vote Republican: 8.

6. You have ever voted to make Ralph Nader president: 6.

7. Seriously, you wanted RALPH NADER to have nuclear launch codes: a further 1.

8. You sprinkle foreign phrases into everyday conversation: 5.

9. You continue to do so even after it's been pointed out to you how pretentious this is: a further 1.

10. You have ever put an article of KNITTED CLOTHING on a dog: 3.

11.You keep vermin as pets: 3.

12. You baby-talk to your vermin: a further 1.

13. You have tatoos (only exceptions: a number-tattoo from a Nazi deathcamp, or a 'USMC' tattoo obtained during active service in a war zone): 3.

14. You are racist: 10.

15. You pretend you've read books you've only skimmed: 10.

16. You have ever interrupted two people talking for any reason other than to yell 'The building's on fire': 10.

17. You interrupt conversations every single day: a further 1.

18. You use a walking-aid (cane, walker, stick, etc) without having an infirmity: 5.

19. You play video games: 6.

20. You DEFEND playing video games as somehow not being a total waste of time: a further 1.

21. You have ever equated playing a video game with reading a book: a further 2.

22. You're a wet blanket: 4.

23. In writing, you use 'as' when you mean 'since' or 'because': 3.

24. You prefer 'The Next Generation': 4.

25. You claim to like the Tim Burton 'Batman' movies: 3.

26. You've never seen 'Jaws': 2.

27. You've never seen 'Citizen Kane': 2.

28. You harbor the desire to overthrow the government: 2.

29. You are condescending to waitstaff: 3.

30. You don't help your friends on moving-day: 3.

31. You've never bought Steve a meal: 3.

32. You know no history: 5.

33. You DEFEND not knowing history by calling it boring or irrelevant: a further 1.

34. You got rid of your TV: 4.

35. You manage to slip that fact into at least one conversation a day: a further 2.

36. You're a TV snob (see above for qualification #1; other symptoms available upon request): 4.

37. You're a compulsive next-day 'Lost' recounter: 3.

38. Seriously, we can Youtube it: a further 1.

39. You eat meat: 6.

40. You're a preachy vegetarian: 3.

41. You don't vote: 5.

42. You are humorless: 10.

43. You are lazy: 6.

44. You use 'impact' or 'effort' as verbs: 4.

45. You wear animal fur: 9.

46. You think zoos are fun: 9.

47. You never experience WONDER: 7.

48. You speak only English: 5.

49. You can't take good-natured ribbing: 5.

50. You are below standard height: 4.

51. You are even now cheating at this exam: 3.

52. You are a manatee: 4.

Stop at this point and add up the points you've accumulated so far. This is your L-quotient. Its mathematical maximum is 218 (although if you're anywhere over 200, you shouldn't be spending time taking this test - you should be devising a means of killing yourself as quickly as possible).

We are the souls of charity here at Stevereads, however: we refuse to believe that even you mewling tools have NOTHING working in your favor. We've devised a way for you to at least partially dig yourselves out of the hole your own loserhood has dug. It involves more addition:


1. You give care and shelter to a dog: 10.

2. More than one dog: 1 for each additional dog.

3. You freely express ENTHUSIASM: 6.

4. You squeeze toothpaste from the bottom up: 3.

5. You're of Irish descent: 4.

6. You don't care how your laugh sounds: 4.

7. You are from Iowa: 3.

8. Your bedroom is a bit messy: 3.

9. You can dance: 3.

10. You cover your effing face when you cough or sneeze: 5.

This total is your C-quotient. Subtract it from your L-quotient to arrive at your accurate, scientifically-verifiable state of loserdom! Then, of course, share your no-doubt-embarrassing number with the world!


Anonymous said...


- Bertrand

Kevin Caron said...


locke said...


Um, does this mean Kevin and I are supposed to be dating or something? Wait, is this E-Harmony?

Also, shouldn't we also get extra loser points tacked on for actually jumping through Steve's hoops and actually COMPLETING this little excercise?

locke said...

And wait, how did Steve score? Negative 40, I'm guessing? (No matter how hard he tries, and wishes, and dreams, he still can't ever be from Iowa)

Kevin Caron said...

Dang! I was hoping Hippolyta would get a 26! ...stupid Steve's Patented Loser Dating Service.

Oh well. Your place or mine, Locke?

steve said...

Love blooms in the new year!

You're welcome!

Hippolyta said...

Sorry boys. Negative 6.

Sam Sacks said...

Pshaw--my loserness is ineffable, impossible to articulate or reduce to numbers. (Certainly not the number minus four.) Besides:
1)No points are awarded to those caring for affectionate, adoring cats.
2)No points are subtracted from anyone who makes or utilizes the "loser" sign with thumb and index finger.
3)And the counter-index includes a taunt. No one who has ever commented on this site, or lurked on this site, or stumbled onto this site accidently - not one person - can dance.
I'm sorry, Bertrand, Kevin, Locke, Hippolyta - subtract three points from your totals.

hippolyta said...

I second the point about cats.

Kevin Caron said...

Point thirded.

I wondered as I added this up if Steve would consider my cats 'rodents'.

And Sam: in my mental picture, Hippolyta can dance quite well, thankyouverymuch.

PS - I think I should get some kind of Loser Point Leniency for voting for Nader in a Blue State. No?

jc said...


Hippolyta said...

Kevin. Thank you for the supportive statement regarding my dancing skills. Though it's a little strange that.....well, nevermind. And the cat're cool in my book. However, NO you absolutely don't get extra points for voting for Nader in a blue state. Unless that blue state was vermont, and you own a floral painted VW van... and while you don't own a television, you do possess a fully stocked gun rack for the eventuality that the government will need to be overthrown by paranoid old pot-smoking hippies who practice their aim on helpless animals every third weekend during huntin' season.

jeff e. said...

Steve, you wrote to add 4 if you "prefer" The Next Generation. Since I've never seen the original, and therefore can't prefer one to the other, do I still have to add 4? Or should I just add several hundred for the nerve it takes to get born in the wrong decade?

Beepy said...

Ok, 17 loser points. I don't want to think about where I would have been without the 14 dogs!

I need some clarification, Steve. Does it count if I don't want a TV but have one? What if I have knit dog apparel for other people? And most importantly, where exactly is the vermin line drawn? After all some of my dogs are awfully small.

beepy said...

Oh, and Steve, you said to add 6 for eating meat, which I did. Did you mean "not eat meat?" In that case I'm down to 11.

Anonymous said...

Unfortunately the questionnaire is ill-conceived, as -- er, rather, since or because, ahem -- chihuahuas are both dogs and vermin.


steve said...

OK, Beepy: if you have to ask, like, 14 clarifying QUESTIONS about how big a loser you are, your total's probably a lot higher than 17.

And yes, Jeff, you should just add the 'Next Generation' points for having deplorable taste AB OVO.

And Kevin, as far as you having a 'mental picture' of Hippolyta, allow me to quote from you, a few comments back: ewww.

steve said...

I'm beginning to suspect that Bertrand is British.

Jeff E. said...

Let's see here . . .

"You sprinkle foreign phrases into everyday conversation: 5"

and then later . . .

"Yes, Jeff, you should just add the 'Next Generation' points for having deplorable taste AB OVO."

So, is there some kind of mitigating counter-indication if you use foreign phrases well?

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!23@! said...

y do u hate video games? they are an artform, the only one which keeps getting better. granted it's in its infancy, but they're pretty cool! books are ok, but they don't simulate the fun of running over zombies with a lawnmower. i guess you can throw a book at zombie, but they don't exist anyway.

maybe you just love zombies!
y do all zombies eat meat?

Sam Sacks said...

Uh, I was going to ask Beepy why the hell she knits sweaters for OTHER people's dogs, but the question will probably be drowned out by the blaring X-BOX background noise coming off the comment from !!!!!!!!!!23.

locke said...

[books are ok, but they don't simulate the fun of running over zombies with a lawnmower. i guess you can throw a book at zombie, but they don't exist anyway.]

He's got you there, Steve.

But hey, just to follow through, if you DID have to throw a book at a zombie, what would it be?

Something practical and physically heavy that might crush their undead brain, like a Gutenburg Bible?

Or, in your last un-undead moments, would you go for irony and chuck something like "A Purpose Driven Life" at it?

Anonymous said...

The best justification I've ever heard for not reading.

"books are ok, but they don't simulate the fun of running over zombies with a lawnmower."

Kevin Caron said...

And I'm apparently a bigger loser than that guy.

I guess I'll just go back to petting my cat, flipping through my autographed copy of The Ralph Nader Reader, and picturing Hippolyta dancing.


steve said...

Ah, listen to that sound, when you read !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!23's comment: silence.

That's the sound of a mind which has been turned off. Not set in sleeper mode, one day to be awakened. Not turned down to simmer, someday to blaze again. Off. No sound at all.

No more inquiry. No more feverishly adding new ideas or angrily downgrading old ones once cherished. No more expansion. No questioning, no inventing, no joyous moments of understanding.

All that's left is the lizard's base-brain, craving basic limbic stimulation (fingers darting left, fingers darting right, pausing only long enough to absorb the rules - hawks hunt during the day! - but never even comprehending that they ARE rules ... just keep going ... gotta catch 'em all ...) and neither wanting nor understanding anything more.

Born with the most advanced learning/appreciating/exploring super-computer on the planet lodged between your ears? Let's turn it off! Let's walk through life with eyes and mind shuttered dark, closed for business, not even SEEING the museums we walk by on our way to the CONSOLE in the dark.

We'll carve your final SCORES on your tombstone, right over: Here Lies a Wasted Life.

steve said...

Locke, I gotta say: that 'Purpose-Driven Life' bit was damn funny ... took a minute to fully UNFOLD in my mind ...

Hippolyta said...

Kevin, my mental image of you has now gone from non-existent to one rather impressively resembling Dr. Evil.

Kevin Caron said...

As long as it's impressive.

(though my cat and I have much more hair than Dr. Evil and Mr. Bigglesworth, I must add.)

Hippolyta said...


Kevin Caron said...

Just kidding! We're bald.

Beepy said...

Locke -- "A Purpose Driven Life" Brilliant!

Sam - My 18 dogs are small but incrediably hairy and therefore, need no sweaters. But dogs in sweaters are so dang cute, I feel compelled to knit little outfits anyway. I can't wait to see Steve, Leni and Blondi in their matching sweaters. Leni's will say "CLASS", Blondi's "GAS" and Steve's (of course) "ASS."

steve said...

(not to skirt too close to 'Much Ado About Nothing, but) Beepy, did you call me an ass? Write that down! She called me an ass!


Hippolyta said...

Yes, Beepy! Dost thou not suspect Steve's place? Moreover, dost thou not suspect his AGE?

Beepy said...

What are ya sayin', Hyppolyta. That Leni's should read "CLASSY", Blondi's should read "SASSY" and Steve's should be "GASSY"? It's not too late for me to redo them.

Kevin Caron said...

"It's not too late for me to redo them."


Anonymous said...

Does Pat Buchanan count as a Republican? My score is a mere 2 loser points; I bet you thought it would be more. I suggest a further 10 loser points for those that punctuate their spoken thoughts with the word 'like.' Reichmarshal

Hippolyta said...

I suggest that Reichmarshall gets loser points for even asking that question.

Gianni said...

23. And what the eff is WONDER?

Kevin Caron said...

Dunno - think it's a brand of bread.

steve said...

Reichmarshal, 'like' is perfectly acceptable in informal written prose - its function being the same as in informal spoken language, as a soft moderator designed to imply an awareness (comic or otherwise) of some slight imprecision.

But then, considering that you yourself are never either soft or imprecise, I guess I can see how it would offend ...